Almost There...

January 21st, 2009

Having spent the last few weeks in California- first at my mom's place and then at my aunt's- I have eased myself in to the nomadic lifestyle again. I havent had my own space for a few weeks now- no room to call my own, no time to be alone. Its better for me not to think too much, but depsite being around people all the time, I have been lost in my own thoughts. Mostly, I have been living in the past. Its strange how the smallest thing- like shopping at Target, passing a restaurant we once ate at, the exit off the I-5 one road trip long ago...Its true that there is "always something there to remind me." And with each memory comes with the mix of guilt and self reproach that I have yet to let go and move on. How do others do it so quickly and easily? I fear I am too weak.

Perhaps there will be a time to look back on these thoughts and chuckle. I dont feel nervous about tomorrow- I am a little excited, but mostly it seems like when you know are dreaming and you think "I am dreaming, I should just wake up..." Thats how I feel, that I should just wake up and stop the parade of monsters, shadows and otherworldly things, and just come back to the real world where I am myself- strong, happy, enthusiastic about possibilities. Its like I have been underwater and need to come up for air...My lungs are bursting because I cant breathe!

Finally my trip begins tomorrow. By 7 pm I will leave from LAX and begin the 12 hour journey to Christchurch. I imagine touching down in the airport, with my bike in parts and my bags on the floor around me. I imagine riding out from the terminal, with all the eyes upon me- will they wish me well? And I imagine finding the first nights stay- perhaps a hostel? And those first nights exploring a new city, with the entre trip before me, endless possibilities- that will be the right feeling I believe...